My name is Carlos Carlos and I am the world's fastest quilter. I can quilt a quilt for you so fast it wil make your head spin. Comforters take a little longer, but hey they're thicker and you have to stuff them with goose down. Alot of people ask me Carlos how do you get goose down. Simple, I just wait for the goose to get tired.

I used to be the quiltmaker to the King of Denmark. He loved my quilts and lucky for me his castle had many rooms and no centralized heating system, so I was steadily employed. One day there was an alarm from the sentry's up on the castle turret -- of course it's a castle turret. What other kind of turret is there. There's no such thing as a ranch house turret or a condo turret.

Through the window, I watched a guard fall to his death. Well, I can't be for certain that he fell to his death. It's quite possible that judging from the six arrows sticking out of his back as he fell that he was quite possibly dead before he ever fell. I'm sure the exact details are only important if he had landed on a big mattress, which he did not. So, either way he's dead now.

An Official of some title or another entered the room. At the time I wasn't sure what his relationship to the King was; but he claimed to have the King's ear. So, I assumed the man must have been related to the King since indeed his ear did appear to look exactly like the King's... ...And the odds of them both working together and having similar looking ears and not be related would be quite astronomical.

He said that the castle was under siege. And I corrected him, explaining that we were high above sea level to be sure.

Anyway, it turns out that we were being attacked by Huns. They were surrounding the castle from all sides. There was only one thing to do. I gathered up every quilt from every room stitched them together in the form of a giant circular net the would fit exactly around the castle. I called all the guards and the captain listened to my plan. And seeing as he really had nothing even close to saving them from the huns -- he accepted my plan. As clouds gathered above and lighting flashed in the sky we stood shoulder to shoulder and prepared to drop the giant quilt on the approaching throng of Huns. The quilt fell on top of the murderous mob and held them in palce as the guards started to pick them off with arrows. It was a slow process as the guards had run out of bows.

And just as the tide was turning, it started to rain. Well, I don't need to tell you what water does to yarn. The huns quickly used the stetching mass of twine to their advantage and cut free of what sure was the biggest craft project to be used as a weapon of all time.

The Huns were really mad now and they started to climb the walls. That's when I remembered my armchair pillow collection. I immediately ran and gathered up every pillow in the castle. I gave the pillows to the guards. The captain looked at me as if I were insane.

"You're not suggesting that we use these small fringed pillows to hurl down at our attackers do you?! You're mad if you think this will stop them."

"of course not!" I responded. We are all surely to lose this battle the moment the Huns breach this wall. And as you know the Huns are not well known for quick deaths. I'm suggesting that we use these pillows to suffocate eachother and avert the iminent torture that we face moments from now." I waited for the Cartain's reply.

"My God man! You are a true genius." And with that the guards started to suffocate themselves with my pillows. I was jsut about to do the same when a rough, raw hand grabbed the pillow from my grasp.

"These pillows are delightful! Can you make them in green?" The leader of the Huns asked me as he scratched his back with the femur of a dead guard.

"Of course, I can! What do you think I am? Some kind of lowlife Hun?" I responded.

There was a long pause.

And all the Huns laughed and laughed and laughed.

I am Carlos Carlos and this is but one of my tales.

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm working as a c0-head writer on a comedy show. I'm in pre-production on a screenplay for a horror film and I'm trying my hardest to keep performing live. I'm at a Hostel in Santa Monica this weekend -- I have no idea why. A gig's a gig. It's so great not being poor. Oh man, I totally dig this getting paid to do what I love.

So, I decided to rip off the Retardlicans. If these cracker goons want the lowest common denominator, then that's what they'll get. I'm going do something in the next year that is so mediocre, so pandering, it'll make "Blue Collar Comedy" look like freakin' Shakespeare. That's my payback America -- I'm going to suckle you off the teat that is the lowest common denominator.

In a nice way of course.

So, no hard feelings. I'm just going along for the ride and making the best of it.