Email me with comments:
tullyvision@adelphia.net
MOVIE NEWS
First, these are the other blogs...
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully
+ My Comedy Bio and Website - TULLYVISION
+ Comedian and darling of my life; Bren Hill's Website +
Team America looks promising. It's from Matt Stone and Trey Parker. I hear it's already getting the Republican's panties in a bunch -- that's good enough for me. http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/team_america/large.html
My three true reasons tha I wouldn't mind skipping August are as follows.
Shaun of the Dead
This movie is like the best reviewed movie of the year. It's from the gang that has a tv show in the UK and a lot of people from THE OFFICE are in it. Comes out Sept 24. Can't wait.
www.romzom.com
Sin City
Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez bring his comic book to life. Jessica Alba, Bruce Willis, Quentin Tarantino. Can't wait.
www.empireonline.com
Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas
In an interview with Rock Star West, the reporter said that in playing a demo version of GTA San Adnreas the map of the game was literally four times the size of Vice City. Guys, whether or not you like video games - the GTA series is beyond that. GTA is the Matrix. GTA's cities and interactivity are going to lead the way to a new version of the internet, mark my words. One day you will be able to drive and fly around in GTA type cities and interact with other characters who are in actuality other people online. You will be able to go to libraries and clubs and everything else there is in the "real" world and access all that information in real time. I'm telling you GTA is the future of the internet. Instead of chat rooms - you will be able to meet other real people in coffee shops, etc and talk to them, etc. You'll be able to investigate real cities, created from the ground up with amazing accuracy. There will be online tourism very soon my friends. Think about it -- you go to a simulated "Las Vegas" you can see a show, (upload a webcast), gamble, meet other real people on line.
Think about a simulated Borders Bookstore - your character can walk in, and go to say, the magazine section... He then looks at all the magazines on the rack and simply "clicks" on the one he wants to look at, it's linked up to the magaine's site and he checks it out for a second and then goes back to the environment. He can even purchase the mag and have it delivered to his doorstep next day. The possibilities are limitless. The advertising possibilities are insanely unlimited.
I know it sounds cri-zazy -- but I'm telling you... Sex and violence always lead the way in technology and that's what GTA is doing.
www.gta-sanandreas.com
Thursday, July 29, 2004
RECENT BITS
A JOKE I CAN'T DO -- FEEL FREE TO STEAL
STARBUCKS OPENS COMPTON STORE
A location where Mocha and Cinnamon aren't just drinks -- they're staff members.
Special of the day, CRACKACINNO
For God's sake, don't order a double shot of anything.
SHAMU GOES "ORCA" ON TRAINER
He's a killer whale -- nobody saw it coming?
Man, Shamu is taking actor renegotiations to a whole new level.
I can only hope that Hollywood actors are gonna' be drowning studio executives to get more $.
ANOTHER JOKE I CAN'T DO
Is it weird that Lane Bryant's initials are "LB"?
REALITY BYTES
I saw the commercial for "The Terminal" and was like -- okay, reality television has gone too far.
A JOKE I CAN'T DO -- FEEL FREE TO STEAL
STARBUCKS OPENS COMPTON STORE
A location where Mocha and Cinnamon aren't just drinks -- they're staff members.
Special of the day, CRACKACINNO
For God's sake, don't order a double shot of anything.
SHAMU GOES "ORCA" ON TRAINER
He's a killer whale -- nobody saw it coming?
Man, Shamu is taking actor renegotiations to a whole new level.
I can only hope that Hollywood actors are gonna' be drowning studio executives to get more $.
ANOTHER JOKE I CAN'T DO
Is it weird that Lane Bryant's initials are "LB"?
REALITY BYTES
I saw the commercial for "The Terminal" and was like -- okay, reality television has gone too far.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
MORE ON ARGUING
We tend to argue if we haven't had sex for like a week. So, we only argue like -- every week.
It's a small building and we don't like people thinking that we argue too much. So, since they do know we're both actors -- we argue in Olde English. That way they just think we're rehearsing a play. "Wherefort art thou being a wicked wench?
Neighbors see me in the laundry room and are like -- "Got a play coming up, heard you rehearsing all night."
Oh yeah - big play. We're doing Shakespeare in the Park and the Kitchen and the Car...
When's the next performance?
Big one coming right after she opens Ye Olde American Express Bill. "Look to the Tower Records Visa Invoice. Praytell how couldst thou spend $300 pounds on CD's?"
What play is that? Merchant in Venice?
It sure ain't Taming the Shrew.
LINKS TO MY OTHER SITES:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully
+ My Comedy Bio and Website - TULLYVISION
+ Comedian and darling of my life; Bren Hill's Website +
We tend to argue if we haven't had sex for like a week. So, we only argue like -- every week.
It's a small building and we don't like people thinking that we argue too much. So, since they do know we're both actors -- we argue in Olde English. That way they just think we're rehearsing a play. "Wherefort art thou being a wicked wench?
Neighbors see me in the laundry room and are like -- "Got a play coming up, heard you rehearsing all night."
Oh yeah - big play. We're doing Shakespeare in the Park and the Kitchen and the Car...
When's the next performance?
Big one coming right after she opens Ye Olde American Express Bill. "Look to the Tower Records Visa Invoice. Praytell how couldst thou spend $300 pounds on CD's?"
What play is that? Merchant in Venice?
It sure ain't Taming the Shrew.
LINKS TO MY OTHER SITES:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully
+ My Comedy Bio and Website - TULLYVISION
+ Comedian and darling of my life; Bren Hill's Website +
HAPPY COUPLES-- BLEACHHH!!!
My friends are this ridiculousy "in tune" couple. And they try to give us "tips" on how to disagree less. Hey, I think most people are wrong all the time -- I only think she's wrong some of the time, that's pretty good.
My friend gave me an example of how their relationship is so much better than mine because they never fight and are soooo happy. What they don't tell you is that you're happy because she's happy. When you tell a great story does it ever go -- we held and hands and had the best talk. If you do, you not only have happy memories, you have a vagina as well.
Here's another one of the happy cult's examples of how to get along. If you're driving and she says to go one way but you think she's wrong and you go her way anyway -- if it turns out to be wrong, don't be like "I told you..." Because you BOTH decided to go that way, it was a team decision. What? That kind of thinking gets you in a robe and a suicide pact. And blow me on the TEAM ananlogy. Marriage is not a team. No teams have two players except volleyball and if she wants to hang out at the beach all day and let me watch chicks in bikinis....
A team has ONE coach and he yells at his players and then after he's done with them trades them. to another team. So, unless I have the option of picking up a fresh 19 year old freshman in the draft, stop with the team analogy.
I like it that my girl and I disagree. Makes the blood boil. We do this other thing that's pretty radically, we have independent thoughts. Oh no!
You know why they say marriage is hard whenever you ask a married couple? Because they're SUGAR-COATING! It's impossible. That's the truth.
Building a sand castle is a happy time - sandcastles wash away. Building a skyscraper is insanely difficult and lasts for centuries.
If you are happy all the time -- you're not working hard enough.
My friends are this ridiculousy "in tune" couple. And they try to give us "tips" on how to disagree less. Hey, I think most people are wrong all the time -- I only think she's wrong some of the time, that's pretty good.
My friend gave me an example of how their relationship is so much better than mine because they never fight and are soooo happy. What they don't tell you is that you're happy because she's happy. When you tell a great story does it ever go -- we held and hands and had the best talk. If you do, you not only have happy memories, you have a vagina as well.
Here's another one of the happy cult's examples of how to get along. If you're driving and she says to go one way but you think she's wrong and you go her way anyway -- if it turns out to be wrong, don't be like "I told you..." Because you BOTH decided to go that way, it was a team decision. What? That kind of thinking gets you in a robe and a suicide pact. And blow me on the TEAM ananlogy. Marriage is not a team. No teams have two players except volleyball and if she wants to hang out at the beach all day and let me watch chicks in bikinis....
A team has ONE coach and he yells at his players and then after he's done with them trades them. to another team. So, unless I have the option of picking up a fresh 19 year old freshman in the draft, stop with the team analogy.
I like it that my girl and I disagree. Makes the blood boil. We do this other thing that's pretty radically, we have independent thoughts. Oh no!
You know why they say marriage is hard whenever you ask a married couple? Because they're SUGAR-COATING! It's impossible. That's the truth.
Building a sand castle is a happy time - sandcastles wash away. Building a skyscraper is insanely difficult and lasts for centuries.
If you are happy all the time -- you're not working hard enough.
FIGHT, FIGHT!
I think the next stage in reality television will be just televising fights at the workplace. Todd Garnett is a twenty eight year old regional manager who has relied on nepotism and coniving tactics to get where he is today. Chuck Searson has been quietly processing payroll checks for fifteen years -- he's a timebomb just looking for a reason. He got that reason today when Todd told Chuck where he can put his file Form 34-C. Today at 3:15 will be in the legal affairs conference room trying to punch out Todd Garnett's timecard.
I think the next stage in reality television will be just televising fights at the workplace. Todd Garnett is a twenty eight year old regional manager who has relied on nepotism and coniving tactics to get where he is today. Chuck Searson has been quietly processing payroll checks for fifteen years -- he's a timebomb just looking for a reason. He got that reason today when Todd told Chuck where he can put his file Form 34-C. Today at 3:15 will be in the legal affairs conference room trying to punch out Todd Garnett's timecard.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Real response to an email I sent out about Whoopi Goldberg when I was really bored at work last week...
July 21, 2004
Thank you for contacting us to share your comments about our relationship with Ms. Goldberg. We do read all e-mails and take them seriously. We also appreciate the opportunity to clarify our position.Ms. Goldberg's remarks created a great deal of negative media and consumer attention and this affected Ms. Goldberg's ability to positively communicate our message of weight loss. Because of this, we decided to conclude the current advertising campaign. Slim Fast believes its decision in no way impacts Ms. Goldberg's freedom of speech, now or in the future. Thank you for taking the time to voice your concerns.
Kathi Eckler
Consumer Support
(Slim Fast)
Mind you, I am sooooo not a fan of the Whoopster. Nothing personal, but I just don't think she's the greatest like everyone else does. I don't hate her, she just doesn't entertain me. In fact, the most consideration I ever give her is when I see her in another movie or tv show or in this case commercial. Her fame and the amount of work she gets never ceases to amaze me. But, I'm not against it, I'm just amazed by it. So, when I sent the email, I didn't really care about Whoopi so much as the implications of the whole thing. I'm super against ad agencies and corporations bending to the will of the moral majority, whatever that means.
Whoopi isn't even that slim. Trimspa doesn't seem to mind Anna Nicole, you're telling me that Anna Nicole is okay as a representative for your diet supplement, but Whoopi is not? Okay... Let's go with this, what agencies and the right is telling us is that if you're a scumbag and famous for it, you can represent our product. But if you're a reasonably respectable celebrity, you have to watch your ass and not say anything that might lose you your sweet diareaha inducing product.
The following is a list of two celebrities, both of whom would make a great spokesman to the following products. But, I'm afraid the ones listed under "bad corporate schill" would get fired eventually for their controversial behavior.
RED BULL
TOMMY LEE - GOOD SCHILL
HOWARD DEAN - BAD SCHILL
"BEEF, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER"
JENNA JAMESON - GOOD SCHILL
GHANDI - BAD SCHILL
FANTASTIC SAM'S
NICK NOLTE - GOOD SCHILL
AL SHARPTON - BAD SCHILL
VICTORIA'S SECRET
PAMELA ANDERSON - GOOD SCHILL
JANET JACKSON - BAD SCHILL
SONY HANDYCAM
PARIS HILTON - GOOD SCHILL
MICHAEL MOORE - BAD SCHILL
July 21, 2004
Thank you for contacting us to share your comments about our relationship with Ms. Goldberg. We do read all e-mails and take them seriously. We also appreciate the opportunity to clarify our position.Ms. Goldberg's remarks created a great deal of negative media and consumer attention and this affected Ms. Goldberg's ability to positively communicate our message of weight loss. Because of this, we decided to conclude the current advertising campaign. Slim Fast believes its decision in no way impacts Ms. Goldberg's freedom of speech, now or in the future. Thank you for taking the time to voice your concerns.
Kathi Eckler
Consumer Support
(Slim Fast)
Mind you, I am sooooo not a fan of the Whoopster. Nothing personal, but I just don't think she's the greatest like everyone else does. I don't hate her, she just doesn't entertain me. In fact, the most consideration I ever give her is when I see her in another movie or tv show or in this case commercial. Her fame and the amount of work she gets never ceases to amaze me. But, I'm not against it, I'm just amazed by it. So, when I sent the email, I didn't really care about Whoopi so much as the implications of the whole thing. I'm super against ad agencies and corporations bending to the will of the moral majority, whatever that means.
Whoopi isn't even that slim. Trimspa doesn't seem to mind Anna Nicole, you're telling me that Anna Nicole is okay as a representative for your diet supplement, but Whoopi is not? Okay... Let's go with this, what agencies and the right is telling us is that if you're a scumbag and famous for it, you can represent our product. But if you're a reasonably respectable celebrity, you have to watch your ass and not say anything that might lose you your sweet diareaha inducing product.
The following is a list of two celebrities, both of whom would make a great spokesman to the following products. But, I'm afraid the ones listed under "bad corporate schill" would get fired eventually for their controversial behavior.
RED BULL
TOMMY LEE - GOOD SCHILL
HOWARD DEAN - BAD SCHILL
"BEEF, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER"
JENNA JAMESON - GOOD SCHILL
GHANDI - BAD SCHILL
FANTASTIC SAM'S
NICK NOLTE - GOOD SCHILL
AL SHARPTON - BAD SCHILL
VICTORIA'S SECRET
PAMELA ANDERSON - GOOD SCHILL
JANET JACKSON - BAD SCHILL
SONY HANDYCAM
PARIS HILTON - GOOD SCHILL
MICHAEL MOORE - BAD SCHILL
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Rondeveau?
How do you spell that word? Ron day voo.
I saw a pathetic married guy use that word on someone who I'm certain was not his wife.
It reminds me of those creepy dudes meeting some lipsticked realtor in a dark, tacky canteen for drinks. He's making bad double entendres while sipping some frozen drink that tastes like Hawaiian Punch and lighter fluid.
She laughs too hard at his creepy bad jokes. As the alcohol steeps into his frontal lobe -- his eyes start to airbrush out her harsher features. The hawklike eyes suddenly become soft and seductive. The rake-like eyelashes suddenly not so bad as well. Fat becomes "voluptuous" and gawky becomes "svelte."
So much work and subterfuge put into these seedy little encounters. It's never about the sloppy, drunken humping in some dank, nicotine-filled motel room. It's about the secret agent type storyline he gets to play out in his head as he empties the storm drains on the weekend.
Bad Lines by Pathetic Married Guy to Desperate Realtor Lady
"Can I get you a big frozen banana... Daquiri? Or maybe a Penis Colossus?"
"So, do you have any hot properties you'd like to show me?"
"I have a place in escrow -- es-growing in my pants."
"I have a unit I'd like to show you. Cable's included"
"Don't think of me as married, think of me as a timeshare."
AS EVER:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully +
My Comedy Bio and Website - TULLYVISION+
Comedian and darling of my life; Bren Hill's Website +
How do you spell that word? Ron day voo.
I saw a pathetic married guy use that word on someone who I'm certain was not his wife.
It reminds me of those creepy dudes meeting some lipsticked realtor in a dark, tacky canteen for drinks. He's making bad double entendres while sipping some frozen drink that tastes like Hawaiian Punch and lighter fluid.
She laughs too hard at his creepy bad jokes. As the alcohol steeps into his frontal lobe -- his eyes start to airbrush out her harsher features. The hawklike eyes suddenly become soft and seductive. The rake-like eyelashes suddenly not so bad as well. Fat becomes "voluptuous" and gawky becomes "svelte."
So much work and subterfuge put into these seedy little encounters. It's never about the sloppy, drunken humping in some dank, nicotine-filled motel room. It's about the secret agent type storyline he gets to play out in his head as he empties the storm drains on the weekend.
Bad Lines by Pathetic Married Guy to Desperate Realtor Lady
"Can I get you a big frozen banana... Daquiri? Or maybe a Penis Colossus?"
"So, do you have any hot properties you'd like to show me?"
"I have a place in escrow -- es-growing in my pants."
"I have a unit I'd like to show you. Cable's included"
"Don't think of me as married, think of me as a timeshare."
AS EVER:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully +
My Comedy Bio and Website - TULLYVISION+
Comedian and darling of my life; Bren Hill's Website +
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Bushy Busherson and family are sewing the seeds of procrastination. They claim they may have to hold the election if terrorist threat increases. That makes sense, push back the election and give the terrorists more time to plan an attack. I am all for changing the date of the election to throw off the Al Quederoons -- let's really throw them off and have the election tomorrow! I'm ready, just point me to the nearest civic center and I will gladly cast my vote right now.
GROUPTHINK
The CIA is writing off the whole invading Iraq under falsified info pretenses as well as their failure to question the info given as a case of "groupthink." "America, we're sorry we gotcha' all into this godawful mess, but it wasn't really anyone's fault -- it was everyone's fault. So you see, there's really no one at fault since we all had one giant mindfart, whoopsie!"
Other Bull-Anus Terms That the Government Can Use
to Blame Going to War "On Accident":
Intelligence Spillage
Chronic "Ourbad" Syndrome
Iraqnaphobia
Sand-Wagonning
Petrol-Poisoning
Collective Drinking
F.U.itis
Flag Abuse
MMMM: Missed the Monday Morning Memo
Sadaamanicdepression
Brain-Pooling
as always short stories are on my other blog:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully +
Bushy Busherson and family are sewing the seeds of procrastination. They claim they may have to hold the election if terrorist threat increases. That makes sense, push back the election and give the terrorists more time to plan an attack. I am all for changing the date of the election to throw off the Al Quederoons -- let's really throw them off and have the election tomorrow! I'm ready, just point me to the nearest civic center and I will gladly cast my vote right now.
GROUPTHINK
The CIA is writing off the whole invading Iraq under falsified info pretenses as well as their failure to question the info given as a case of "groupthink." "America, we're sorry we gotcha' all into this godawful mess, but it wasn't really anyone's fault -- it was everyone's fault. So you see, there's really no one at fault since we all had one giant mindfart, whoopsie!"
Other Bull-Anus Terms That the Government Can Use
to Blame Going to War "On Accident":
Intelligence Spillage
Chronic "Ourbad" Syndrome
Iraqnaphobia
Sand-Wagonning
Petrol-Poisoning
Collective Drinking
F.U.itis
Flag Abuse
MMMM: Missed the Monday Morning Memo
Sadaamanicdepression
Brain-Pooling
as always short stories are on my other blog:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully +
Friday, July 09, 2004
DYNAMO
As always, here are my other sites:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully +
My Comedy Bio and Website - TULLYVISION+
Comedian and darling of my life; Bren Hill's Website +
Dynamo.
Nobody uses the word Dynamo anymore. Boy is that a great word. It's a real hard sell word. "She's not that attractive, but man she's a dynamo in the sack-a-roo." Or, "...the show is poorly written and directed but the lead actor, Thurston Cagerhill is a dynamo on stage."
Life is short. Be a Dynamo.
Now that I keep saying Dynamo, it almost sounds like I made it up. It's a real word isn't it? Dynamo. Derived from dynamite - but even more explosive because it's
Dyna-mo'. In Mexico is it Dyna-mucho? Or probably Dyna-mas. Dynamas is an awesome Mexican Death Metal band name. Wouldn't it be awesome to road trip to Mexico City and see a Mexican Death Metal band? While I'm at it, the word Death Metal is pretty awesome.
Here are my top ten imaginary Death Metal band names:
Iron Orgasm
Firecrotch
Hangnail
Testoster-1
Vio-Later
Ejacu-Nation Or, for a Female metal band: Menstru-Nation
ZipperPickle
Ass Fury
Cavity Search
Dali-Mama
Anal Freakage
Weapons of Ass Destruction
Vaginamite
Sick I know -- I watched half of "Capturing the Friedmans" last night and it must have sunk into my lower brain.
Later,
JT
As always, here are my other sites:
"POKE AT YOUR OWN RISK": Funny Short Fiction by Tully +
My Comedy Bio and Website - TULLYVISION+
Comedian and darling of my life; Bren Hill's Website +
Dynamo.
Nobody uses the word Dynamo anymore. Boy is that a great word. It's a real hard sell word. "She's not that attractive, but man she's a dynamo in the sack-a-roo." Or, "...the show is poorly written and directed but the lead actor, Thurston Cagerhill is a dynamo on stage."
Life is short. Be a Dynamo.
Now that I keep saying Dynamo, it almost sounds like I made it up. It's a real word isn't it? Dynamo. Derived from dynamite - but even more explosive because it's
Dyna-mo'. In Mexico is it Dyna-mucho? Or probably Dyna-mas. Dynamas is an awesome Mexican Death Metal band name. Wouldn't it be awesome to road trip to Mexico City and see a Mexican Death Metal band? While I'm at it, the word Death Metal is pretty awesome.
Here are my top ten imaginary Death Metal band names:
Iron Orgasm
Firecrotch
Hangnail
Testoster-1
Vio-Later
Ejacu-Nation Or, for a Female metal band: Menstru-Nation
ZipperPickle
Ass Fury
Cavity Search
Dali-Mama
Anal Freakage
Weapons of Ass Destruction
Vaginamite
Sick I know -- I watched half of "Capturing the Friedmans" last night and it must have sunk into my lower brain.
Later,
JT
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