as the crowe flies -- a phone at your head
CROWE
G’day mates. Russell Crowe here. Well, it seems I’m in a bit of hot water again. And, I just want you to know that despite rumors you might have heard about me, I would never intentionally hurt -- a phone. You know how I’m Australian, right? Well, I thought the phone was Boomerang. Simple mistake, phones are shaped just like boomerangs.
VOICE
No, they’re not.
CROWE
Shuddup mate.
SFX: Phone banging off someone’s head.
CROWE
So, I just want to set the record straight. I, Russell Crowe am not a phone-o-phobe. I love phones. In fact, I’m the new spokesperson for Sprint.
VOICE
No you’re not. I’m the spokesman for Sprint.
CROWE
Not anymore mate.
SFX: Phone banging off Sprint Guy’s head.
CROWE
Geez finally, ten years of that guy is bloody enough. What kind of bloke wears a trenchcoat all the time, anyway? You know who else bugs me? That Verizon geek. I think I’ll bash him about the head and be the spokesman for them too. C’mere, geek!
VERIZON GUY
Ahhh!
SFX: Phone banging off Verizon Guy’s head.
VERIZON GUY
Ow! My eyes are bleeding. Everything’s going dark, so cold.
CROWE
He passed out. Guess he can’t hear me now. See folks? I love phones so much that I’m the new spokesman for two phone companies. In fact, I’m such a great bloody actor I think I’ll be the spokesman for all the phone companies. Now, let me see, who’s left? Oh yeah, Catherine Zeta Jones.
WOMAN’S SHRIEK
Eeeee!
CROWE
C’mere ya’ randy Sheila! You’re only making it harder on yourself!
SFX: Phone banging off Catherine Zeta Jones’ head.
CROWE
I’m Russell Crowe and I love phones. (SINGING) Reach out, reach out and touch someone.
SFX: Phone banging off someone’s head.
end
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
LAUGHLIN, Nevada (AP) -- Police are investigating a California man's claim that comedian Gallagher slapped him during a show at a southern Nevada casino.
- Here’s an ad for Gallagher’s new tour.
GALLAGHER:
Hey folks, Gallagher here. Remember me? I’m the guy who’s responsible for making more fruit squirt than Richard Simmons. Listen, as you probably already know; I haven’t been famous since Pong, the Pet Shop Boys and Parachute Pants were in style. But, that hasn’t stopped me from swinging sledgehammers at watermelons like an indentured Chinese Railroad Worker in the 1800’s.
And I gotta’ tell ya’, after twenty five years of paying for all that produce without any kind of TV or movie deal; I am dead-ass broke. It’s true, can’t afford to buy watermelons by the truckload just to amuse you people anymore. I’m going to have to leave the fruit bashing to the (Choose one: the Republicans/Right Wingers/Fundamentalists/The New Pope.)
That’s why I’m announcing my 2005, “Gallagher Smacks Your Melon Tour.” You heard me, I’m through smashing fruit. It’s costly and it’s wasteful. From now on I’ll be skull-squashing, not squash, uh squashing.
So, all you rednecks, hill people, and carnie folk who still think I’m funny; c’mon on down to the front row of my show and I’ll knock that last tooth out of your head.
I guarantee; if you thought cantaloupe cracking was funny, my cranium clobbering will kill you. Just slap on some green face paint and head on over to the nearest county fairground or riverboat casino and you can be a real live melon split by me, Gallagher. Trust me; it’s so much more hilarious when you can hear the melons scream.
- Here’s an ad for Gallagher’s new tour.
GALLAGHER:
Hey folks, Gallagher here. Remember me? I’m the guy who’s responsible for making more fruit squirt than Richard Simmons. Listen, as you probably already know; I haven’t been famous since Pong, the Pet Shop Boys and Parachute Pants were in style. But, that hasn’t stopped me from swinging sledgehammers at watermelons like an indentured Chinese Railroad Worker in the 1800’s.
And I gotta’ tell ya’, after twenty five years of paying for all that produce without any kind of TV or movie deal; I am dead-ass broke. It’s true, can’t afford to buy watermelons by the truckload just to amuse you people anymore. I’m going to have to leave the fruit bashing to the (Choose one: the Republicans/Right Wingers/Fundamentalists/The New Pope.)
That’s why I’m announcing my 2005, “Gallagher Smacks Your Melon Tour.” You heard me, I’m through smashing fruit. It’s costly and it’s wasteful. From now on I’ll be skull-squashing, not squash, uh squashing.
So, all you rednecks, hill people, and carnie folk who still think I’m funny; c’mon on down to the front row of my show and I’ll knock that last tooth out of your head.
I guarantee; if you thought cantaloupe cracking was funny, my cranium clobbering will kill you. Just slap on some green face paint and head on over to the nearest county fairground or riverboat casino and you can be a real live melon split by me, Gallagher. Trust me; it’s so much more hilarious when you can hear the melons scream.
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